At this point, we can probably all agree that there some terms and concepts floating around out there without any real conversations about what exactly they mean. We use our skills of inference, research, and reflection to assign our own meaning to this kind of ubiquitous language and often times we find a workable degree of understanding.
Sometimes, though, we need more. Sometimes we need to feel like we can connect with others around a central meaning of a particular word or idea, even as we each have our own additional, subjective interpretations and the shifting/evolving layers of collective understanding.
For a start, I want to focus on a list of words that are just about everywhere lately. Some of them seem sort of interchangeable and others are out there on their own in, at best, a semi-clarified way…
Let’s start with a word I use in characterizing my own business, wellness. If you google “what is wellness?” you’ll be met with a very brief definition from Oxford Languages: “the state of being in good health, especially as an actively pursued goal.” Search a few moments longer and you’ll come across the idea of the “Eight Dimensions of Wellness” which include: physical, environmental, spiritual, emotional, financial, intellectual, occupational, and social. When I think about wellness, I imagine the idea of creating a personalized definition that’s guided by these general ones and infused with your own self-understanding, goals, and needs. I think of wellness as a basic human right and something that must include conversations of the internal (mind, body) and external (physical environment, culture). Wellness is related to, but different from, the next term on the list: health.
If you google “what is health?” the first Oxford definition you’ll be offered is: “the state of being free from illness or injury; a person's mental or physical condition.” It’s immediately clear that we are in a culture biased towards the physical body. The influence of Western medicine on our ideas of health are vast and deep. To be clear, I have a profound and steadfast respect for Western medicine and I have the incredible privilege of benefiting from its ever-evolving knowledge and reach. I also have a deep respect for and interest in Eastern medicine and an appreciation of the concept of health that allows more room for the heart and soul of a person, the intangible parts of us that can’t be seen on scans or measured in our blood. For me, health must also include the acknowledgement of degree and vacillation; sometimes health is defined by coping well, with pain or suffering of the mind, body, and/or heart. These parts of us are one interconnected unit. If one of them is harmed the others are impacted negatively; if one of these parts is thriving the others are impacted positively. Just as with wellness, health is a fairly subjective thing and each person requires and deserves the time, information, and resources to explore what makes them healthy, according to the criteria that can be measured by doctors as much as by the criteria that is purely visceral and measured only by the Self.
From here, I begin to think about mindfulness and how it has become a word so used that its depth of meaning is threatened even as it evolves. Mindfulness is often thought of in the following way: paying attention, on purpose, to the present moment in a non-judgmental way, and in the service of self-understanding and wisdom (a paraphrasing of the definition from Jon Kabat-Zinn that I find extremely useful for a starting point). To move through your life mindfully requires an ability to slow down at the level of your body (heart rate, blood pressure, cognition) so you can be aware of what is happening around and within you. As we all take in stimuli on a near-constant basis, mindfulness allows us to develop a slower response-time to any given stimulus (including those that are internal, such as sensation in the body or thoughts in the mind). In this ever-lengthening space between stimulus and response, we find, as Viktor Frankl said, our growth and freedom. Put another way, it is in that space that we become who we are. Mindful awareness, when taken on as a regular practice, permeates every moment and facet of daily living. We are more attuned to our patterns, default tendencies, habitual reactions, and non-negotiable needs. For example, if you begin to practice mindfulness and move through your life a bit more slowly, paying attention to the pace of your breath, pausing as needed to take stock of what you’re feeling and needing, you may, over time, discover that on the days you don’t take a few moments alone in the morning to settle into yourself before going about your routine you are irritable, sluggish, or distracted. This self-understanding becomes a form of wisdom as you’re able to use it to make a firmer commitment to your morning ritual and are therefore able to be more patient, energized, and engaged. In becoming more mindful, we become our highest Self.
Whenever I think about mindfulness and begin to follow the definition towards its ideal end of deeper self-understanding and wisdom, I find that I’m in the realm of selfless self-care. If we continue to view our efforts at being well, healthy, and mindful as selfish, constantly de-prioritizing them in an effort to be everything to everyone else all the time, only showing up to our own needs at the very bottom of the proverbial list, we are absolutely guaranteed to run out of stamina and to become fatigued, resentful, and even ill. Self-care doesn’t mean grand indulgences (however lovely those occasional spa trips or beach vacations are) but instead it refers to the baseline elements of maintaining wellness, health, and mindful awareness so that we can be a person others want to be around. This form of selfless self-care implies that we understand what is at stake if we neglect ourselves. When we aren’t tending to our health (mind, body, heart), our overall wellness—in at least several domains (like dominoes falling slowly at first and then seemingly all crashing at once)—begins to suffer. We don’t have the energy or wherewithal to be mindful and we are moving too quickly, too detached, and too unfocused on what’s needed in any given interaction or pursuit. We become, in short, a liability to ourselves and to those around us. If we claim to value wellness, health, mindfulness, and, additionally, compassion and respect, we are responsible for taking care of ourselves the best we possibly can. We have to learn how to say “no” or accept support when that would be the healthiest thing for us to do in a given situation. And we should also accept that when we are thriving the healthiest thing we can do is leverage our hard-earned wellness in the form of working in service of others.
None of these concepts are a linear journey. We are moving along a continuum of wellness, health, mindfulness, and selfless self-care all our lives. So many factors, internal and external, effect our success in any of these areas and I believe that underneath all of them should be a deep commitment to self-love. There is too much discomfort in our broader culture with idea of love in general, a pervasive societal disdain for the idea of unconditional warmth and tenderness, especially towards ourselves. But all you have to do is look at the data that shows us in alarming terms the number of people each year who take their own lives, who are struggling to manage depression with imperfect medication and often unlivable side-effects, who withdraw from the people and things they once felt passionately about because of diminishing satisfaction, and who are one way or another experiencing loneliness and an intolerable lack of intimate connection. It seems pretty astoundingly clear that our current thoughts on love aren’t working.
How can we push through and past all our various moods, our shifting life circumstances, the ups and downs of relationships and jobs, and the world around us without simultaneously doing our best to optimize our wellness, health, and mindful connection? How can we become/remain consistent with all the actions required for achieving those things if we don’t believe we are worthy of the baseline self-care that gives us the energy and time to practice them? There is an order to certain things in this life and if want to be able to show up effectively in all our roles and responsibilities, we are going to have to accept, share in, and celebrate the starting place of self-love.
For more on these words (and a few others), as well as ongoing conversations on practicing self-love (including the challenging/requisite vulnerability), stripping away taboo for more honest and cathartic conversation, and building a sense of community around shared values, included embedded social justice in everything we pursue and approach, join my co-host, Kelsey, and me on the Well Defined podcast and consider sharing your thoughts or questions with us anytime!
With love,
Emily
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“Your loving-kindness cannot be either loving or kind if it does not include yourself. But at the same time you don’t need to worry. It’s not limited to yourself. Because the field of loving-kindness is limitless.” -Jon Kabat-Zinn